What I would do to get a glimpse of your mind.

It's been a long time since I posted here, but somehow I felt compelled to come back here again instead of posting in on twitter or something. This is more like a private platform for me to air my thoughts since this blog is still relatively unknown (ohyeah).

Insecurity is a complex emotion, a complete antithesis of confidence. It occurs mainly due to fear; fear of what will happen in the future that we have no control of. Sometimes, this fear is ingrained within our minds at an unknown time due to some random circumstance. However, I feel that it is more likely that this fear sprouts from certain events of the past, something unpleasent that once happens to us and the fear of it occurring once more due to our actions (or inactions). That is the main cause of insecurity. We, human beings, are no strangers to insecurity. Only if the day comes that we can eradicate fear from our minds, then we can say that insecurity does not exist further. But the truth remains, fear is still fundamental part of human nature, and that is something that no one, not even the most confident man on earth, can run away from. What differs is simply the degree of insecurity and the cause of that emotion. That is why each and every one of us have different stories to tell.

And here I am, sharing my story.

It's kinda hard to find a word to describe my insecurity. If I had to choose one, it would be 'loss'. Probably a better way to express it would be by using an analogy. Imagine yourself investing your entire capital, your savings into the shares of a company that you really believe that can bear fruit and valuate in the long term. True enough, you see the value creeping up, slowly but surely, and there you are hoping that your patience will pay off. It probably increases up to a point where it surpasses your psychological benchmark and your mind enters decision-making mode. "Should I cash in my stocks or should I continue to have faith in the company? After all, the situation doesn't seem that bad at all." And so you hold on, but in your mind you are already formulating a plan on what to do with your cash after the value hits the second benchmark.

And just then, the stock market crashes, without warning. The company folds up and you are left with nothing more than a worthless piece of commitment. You are left there, distraught, and thoughts racing through your head, "What the fuck went wrong?" You try to look back in the past in retrospect, trying to piece together the puzzle, and yet nothing comes through. It is as if it was some random event, no tipoffs from any observer or analyst at all. You are left there, confused, angry and even maybe betrayed. But no matter, you tell yourself to pick up from your mistake, grit your teeth, and move on. After a short period of reprieve from the stock market, you come back, believe that your are stronger from your setback to tackle whatever challenges that may lie ahead.

Until the whole fucking thing repeats itself again.

This analogy isn't that accurate, btw. I would rate it as only 65% accurate? But it's the best I could think of. If you're sharp enough (you probably don't have to be), you'll get a direction of what I'm talking about. To cut a long story short, since I'm about the fall asleep anytime now, I believe that I'm in the midst of a 3rd cycle. Tell me, which normal person wouldn't be insecure by now? Would I be third time lucky? Is it simply just the time to give up? I don't know, I really don't know. What I know is that this insecurity will lie in the deep recesses of my mind in the years to come, like a ghost from my past haunting me into the future. It's impossible to run away from it.

Not that I'm showing it to everyone, of course.